I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think my moral compass just broke
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