6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize