just come out here and I will go home with you...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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