Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
