You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
