You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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