She is in my trunk
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
