the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize