I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
