I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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