ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
