I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize