Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
