you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
