my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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