I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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