If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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