A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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