I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
