We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
