"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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