rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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