We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
