Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
