Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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