I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
