Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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