My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
