My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize