I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
