my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
