I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
