Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
wanna go halves on a baby?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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