So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
