yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
