if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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