Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
