He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
