I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
