Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
