So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
