John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
