I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
