I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
