i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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