Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
