Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
