I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
