Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize