the condom got lost in my hair
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
