At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
