I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
