we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
