i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
