i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
