So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
